Picking Up My Mat

Where do I even start? This road seems so overwhelming at times. What steps do I take first? How big should the steps be? Do I step right or left? Or forward or back? Or am I getting ahead of myself? Or am I just thinking too much? Or … or … or … I think I’ll watch a few minutes of TV … procrastination … eyes glazed over … wait, I think I was doing something?

This is how the past year or two have gone. I know I need to change, to start DOING something, but I get distracted by everything (on purpose of course). So I’ve essentially become lame. Not lame as in pathetic, though that may apply on some level (or many), but lame as in crippled. Not physically crippled, but mentally and spiritually … the physical will come eventually if I don’t start hauling ass.

I’m stuck in a mental holding pattern and have been for years. And the side effect of that has been the gradual cocooning of atrophied muscles in layers of flab. I’m weak and I HATE IT. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!

So it’s time to change. To take those first steps. And frankly before I do that, my goal is to just get up.

The phrase “pick up my mat” comes from the text of AA’s Big Book, and alludes to what a 12-step program can do for a person who does the work one day at a time. My ultimate goal is to get to the point where I can “pick up my mat and walk” again. I want that freedom.

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