This past Friday I visited a specialist to see if I had a thyroid problem. I have several of the symptoms (difficulty losing weight, hair loss, memory and concentration issues, fatigue, depression and irritability) but tests come back normal and my physician doesn’t pursue explanations for my symptoms. So to a specialist I went, DocOpp.
DocOpp’s initial prognosis is that I don’t have a thyroid problem because of past lab results and the lack of key symptoms like irregular periods and high cholesterol. He’s running new tests and testing a couple other things that could explain the hair loss but a thyroid condition diagnosis seems pretty slim.Damn. I was hoping.
- Hoping that my weight loss failures had a biological explanation
- Hoping that my hair loss could be treated
- Hoping that I could finally stop feeling so tired
- Hoping that my body would stop hurting
- Hoping that I’d be happier
- And generally, hoping I had a legitimate excuse for no longer feeling and functioning like my true self
And I guess ultimately I was hoping it could all be fixed by popping a pill.
Having that hope dashed reduced me to tears while DocOpp gently went ahead to discuss some options I had, one being gastric bypass surgery.
And I so do not want to do that. It’s so drastic and so permanent. There’s no going back and it could permanently complicate my life. I guess being morbidly obese does complicate my life too, so I’d just be trading complications, losing fat in exchange for frequent vomiting and feeling miserable. Still, I think I’d find a way around it and end up gaining weight.
So I’ve now got one less excuse for the 150 extra pounds I’m carrying on my 5’8″ frame. It puts the responsibility for success more firmly on my shoulders, and I’m thinking less like a victim. The disappointment actually gives me hope.
Huh, thinking less like a victim. I didn’t even realize I was thinking like a victim until I just spit out that sentence. Freaking profound. Gut-wrenchingly honest. Proof of how key mental outlook is to change.
So I need to figure some things out here and I’m setting a few goals for the next 3 days to get my shite together on this.
- Sort through my kitchen; get rid of junk food and anything that will not contribute to healthy, balanced eating.
- Take all my measurements; the good, the bad, the ugly.
- Get plugged into a support group of some sort or even consider seeing a counselor for support.
- Set up a plan for exercising.
And I feel like I need a theme: Revolution 2008. Screw resolutions – I break them everytime. I want to revolutionize my life.