I’ve been floundering lately and I’m trying to figure out how to get my feet under me again. I set out to make this a diet blog but that’s just not working for me.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been wrestling with my body, and spending hours of my day reading related materials, breaking a sweat, and concentrating on what goes in my mouth. There’s been a lot of energy focused on this particular aspect of my life with little reward. There’s been so much energy focused in this one area that little energy has been spent on anything else.
And I think this has made me a shallow person.
I went to a christian liberal arts college and was inundated by information about God and being a christian. I expected this and welcomed it, but somewhere in the middle of my education this information about God stopped touching my heart and just turned into clutter jostling around in my brain.
After college I was terribly restless but I couldn’t channel my restlessness into action . . . I didn’t know where to focus or where to step. So I started channeling energy into various forms of self-improvement as a means to quiet the gnawing restlessness. But these distractions weren’t addressing the big issues so I was just spinning my wheels . . . going nowhere really fast.
I still don’t understand the restlessness I experienced after college, a lot of it is still there, it’s just been muted through busyness and random distractions . . . things that keep me shallow. But there’s something screaming out in me for attention and I can’t ignore it anymore.
Something in me is demanding time and attention because I’ve reached this state of being where there’s not much that stirs my heart. And I miss that. SO MUCH.
I CRAVE depth and meaning in my life so it’s time to pay attention to the gnawing restlessness. Something is aching to burst out of me and if I don’t figure out what it is, I suspect it’s possible for that ache to burst inside me and poison me so deeply that there’s no coming back.
So this blog is taking a new course, or perhaps a truer course. It’s still about Picking Up my Mat. But this time it’s about the whole mat, and not one of it’s worn corners.