brain shart’s all around

I’ve realized over  the past few months that I’ve been living in complete and absolute denial for at least two years. Maybe longer.

My denial has led to a lifestyle of laziness, convenience, and indulgence; a diet subsisting of a lot of fast and pre-packaged “easy” food and an exercise program that involves me getting off the couch, going to the kitchen, and rummaging for more food.

Ultimately, this lifestyle of convenience has been an exercise in self-destruction.

  • Nearly 60 lbs of weight loss was regained, seemingly within a year. 
  • My blood pressure, though regularly high the past 8 years, became a concern for a new doctor and he started me on drugs to treat it. 
  • Then I had an anxiety attack. 
  • Then I started having digestive issues, a new occurrence, which freaked me out and triggered more anxiety attacks. 
  • Frequent anxiety attacks ensued and perhaps a little hypochondria (that’s the one where you think you’re sick with the newest diseases right?).
  • Happily, the digestive issues, which my doc now thinks is simply acid reflux, freaked me out about food and I lost 20 lbs. Unhappily, I think 10 lbs of that loss is muscle.

So I’ve reached this place where I can either face that I’m reaking havoc on my body with inactivity and poor food or I can continue on in denial and live this half-life I’ve been sleeping through.

I’m tired of going to sleep at night propped up on pillows and sleeping on my left side, hoping I’ll wake up in the morning (yeah, a little melodramatic, but a real fear I’ve been facing every night the past 6 months). 

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I hate the fear that has slithered into my life, weaving it’s slimy tentacles into every aspect of my existence.

So I’m going to change that. Thankfully a streak of rebellion has shown itself occasionally in the past few months and I’m dating (after a really long dry spell) and I have a guy in the wings if that doesn’t work out. Which kind of makes me think “slut” but eh, I’ll live with the consequences. I’m really enjoying this.

I hate that phrase “new year, new you” but I guess it’s sorta fitting. Here are my goals:

  • I want to be off any meds, if at all possible, by 2010. 
  • I want to be down to, at least, my college graduation weight by 2010.

How am I going to do this?

  • Avoid convenience foods.
  • Clean out my kitchen of all processed junk.
  • Eat whole fruits, veggies, proteins, and some grains.
  • Exercise daily.
  • Meditate/Engage in relaxation techniques daily.

I’ll get more detailed later today. For now, gotta run out to meet the family for New Years Lunch.


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